Conversations in my head – Part I

2011

Written – Summer of 2007

Karachi – Procter and Gamble Internship Program.

U – Unaiza. K – Kamil

 

U: Do you write?

K: Yes occasionally when the need arises. You can read them on my deviant art journal. The rest are on my PC at home and my old diaries.

U: You take pictures too? i didn’t know that.

K: Don’t call them pictures. Its photography.

U: Why don’t  you like the term “pictures”?

K: because it sounds so inconsequential.

U: Do your pictures have consequences?

K: To me? Yes. To the rest of the world. I frankly don’t care what they think. But it would be good to think that it makes some impact other then mere aesthetics.

U: They are mere aesthetics. That’s what art is no?

K: Yes among other things. But i don’t take pictures or paint a canvas so it looks on my mantle piece or sell it to some moron with money who thinks it looks good above his bed while he’s seducing some woman.

U: Then why do you do all that?

K: Self expression. Talking with my pictures or canvas as i do with my words.

U:You said u didn’t like the term pictures.

K: yes i said it for your sake.

U: U do things for other peoples sake?

K: No. People annoy me.

U: Do all people annoy you?

K: Yes. Em searching for Atlantis.

U: What is Atlantis?

K: A Place Where Only Heroes. because they carry the essence of Life within them.

U: who are heroes?

K: People who are original.

U: Is God Original?

K: No. They say He made man in his own image. I think he did a terrible job at it. Left us with the crap, and kept the good stuff for Angels.

U: Your envious of Angels?

K: Yes, they have wings. But we built planes.

U: Which would u rather have? Wings or Planes?

K: Wings. I wouldn’t be left at the mercy of other peoples whims.

U: Do you paint?

K: Yes, oil on canvas.

U: I didn’t take you for the artistic type.

K: I don’t like stereotypes.

Foot-Note: Thank you Uniaza for inspiring me to write my first dialogue 🙂

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Self. Ego. Impossible.

I am not a fan of labels. Specially when it comes to myself. Though I call myself a geek for the love of all things tech and science, I still dont like that label. Perhaps, I label myself that out of disgust of what everyone is chasing, or rather be labeled as – ‘Cool’, ‘Corporate’, ‘Rich’ … you get my drift. I could call myself an artist, a writer, an activist, a pathan, a muslim, a pakistani, photographer, engineer, student, and the list goes on.

I started thinking about this when Maryam, asked the editorial team to write a short bio of ourselves for the TMS team introductions. I have never actually thought about myself, from a third persons eye. I am me, its that simple. The title itself suggests that. Perhaps my ego is too huge to allow myself to view my life and my self in introspection or objectively. Nonetheless, I have to attempt at this, the one starting below being my second (I am too ashamed of my first one to put it up here, as a friend pointed out – you sound like a pompous ass)

No wait before I start, how do I start. Crap. I cant do this.

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Remember Remember …

I miss you, she says.

Remember the pain, he says.

I got in, she says.

They throw you a bait. If you bite. You’r lost. If you dont, your angry. What can you do? You dont bite. You stay angry. You remember why your angry. You stick to your original plan. You dont let it drown in the fast lane. You remember how you like things. Slow. Easy. Family. Friends. Time to yourself. Not a slave to money.

Mehak asked me. ‘What is it life like on the outside.’

I wish I could tell her, its better, it all makes sense. The grass is greener on the other side. All those cliches packed together to tight, that you cant tell the difference b/w them. All those cliches packed together, put in a nice packaging, and stamped. That’s what I wish i could have told her.

But I was honest. The grass is not greener on the other side. Its maybe a tad bit pale. Back in GIKI, your in a place, where you dont have to figure anything out for yourself. All you must do is wake up on time, get to classes. Get through the quizes, classes, mids, finals some how or the other. Hook or crook. Face the torture of seemingly endless classes, boring lectures, useless labs. At the end of the day, you have your friends, you have a clear starry night, and all the roads to walk on for hours. You have the assurance, the support, the peace of having friends. Friends who you can trust, friends who will have food when you dont. Friend’s who’ll grumble and complain when you knock on their door at 2am, yet listen to your woes. Friends who’ll sit in your room, watch Lord of the Rings, all 3 back to back, till the wee hours of the morning and still have the energy to head to the cafeteria for breakfast. Friends with whom you can sit on the roof, watching the sun rise, after a whole night spent studying for the last final of the semester, and still have enough presence of mind to run to down the stairs to your room, grab someone elses camera, and take a few photographs. Just for memory keeps.

Back in GIKI, we all dared to dream of a better life. We nurtured our fragile dreams, we smiled at their thought. And couldnt help but wait for the day when we will get out in the world, and chase them down. Our dreams. All those hours on music, you even manage to find a soundtrack to it all.

When you finally get out in the world. You feel lost. 16 years of a single track life in the education system leaves little room for making your own choices. Out here in the world, you have to make your own choices. So we seek shelter. Either in jobs, or in an MS program at some other university. We cant live without the shelter and comfort of a routine, of somone making the choices for us. The dreams are either forgotten our put aside.

We dont dare imagine something different. We don’t dare imagine change. We’r creatures of habit. Change scares us. Taking risks scares us. We lay aside our minds, we lay aside our ego’s; the part that says ‘I’ and we hurdle together like sheep letting the shepherd take us where he fancies. We dare not stray from the flock, or God knows what may befall us!

Has any of us ever considered what if we strayed from the flock, we might come across paradise. There’s a chance we might get lost of course. But its a risk. And risks are worth taking, or nothing would ever change. If everyone is happy and content in their comfort zone, then how would things change. Where would the literature science and art come from?

Speaking of myself, I have the high paying jobI. I work in a office with glass doors and private guards. I got my visa card yesterday, and I feel financially independent. My boss asked me, Me ,if we should keep an intern next year, and suggest a project. I did, and he loved my idea. I made something happen. A month into the company and I made something happen. I made a ripple.My ego was through the roof at that moment.  Sometimes I get cocky and think I am good at what I do. But what I do, I dont even consider worth doing. So how does it fit into the picture?

I have urges to spend money on useless things. But I remind myself of why I am here. I try to. Its not to live the lifestyle, its to make money so I too can chase down my dreams, and not at my old mans expense. I have to remind myself or I wont even come down to a small blotch in the book of history.

Remember the pain he says. Remember the pain.

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